I wonder sometimes, if there are girls out there who go out looking for a little something more from a person JUST because the person is famous ?Rich ? Eligibly fuckable/ packable and edible ? I’ve been in the social scene long enough to see girls throwing pussy at itching dicks just cause the hammer hit too hard!

Dildo’s anyone ? Nerd alert **  one fanciful explanation of its origin was a small elongated loaf of bread flavored with dill, thus “dilldough.” **  Baguette’s will never look the same again.  NEVER!

Apparently I’m a – there is no light way of putting this – home wrecker / the other woman ! But that was an issue past tense, gone and forgotten… note : they were just dating – claimed to be in love till both respectable parties decided to play the cheating game and like an avalanche the relationship came crashing down ( not judging ) and i didnt dive into that relationship head first without thinking of my pro’s and con’s. Everything in the name of research i always tell myself – but when the study makes you a victim of his contagious heart and loving soul… i had no choice but to give in, and he in me!

I’ve succumbed to his soul. A purely divine soul that has me humming his tune in my head, like the chords of a violin he plays me gently to his beat. Its been wonderful. Its been difficult yet sublimely enticing – like the 100th kill …. the holly ghost shun down on me, with promising tales of forever and exaggerated blissful compliments of now, who am i to push them away? I gave in, and will continue to give in till someday i crush myself with exasperated emotions.

The emotion stings me, hurts me on some days …… but like water through rocks he flows right through me. I feeel love. All his love. The kinda love you feel when you just cant feel anything at all.

xx

Pj wants to smoke so we go outside on the patio overlooking the ocean. I love the music and its a great night to be out. Talking laughing flashing lights of the camera – suddenly, someone hugs me from behind and kisses my cheek whispering happy birthday in my ear. Before hearing his voice, I know its him. I recognize his scent, I recognize how his embrace makes me feel and for a split second, my knees fail me but he is holding me; I stand firm. I turn around hug him tightly and tell him off for being late mentioning he owes me a drink and a dance at some point in the night. I turn back to my friends and he goes to say hello to the rest of the group. I make a mental note to ignore him for the rest of the night. Its obvious to every Tom, Dick and Henry we like each other and have great chemistry, but until of one us says or does something about it, the dance is going to continue and dancing is all I’m going to do tonight.

Clock hands signal its three am, this club is closing its doors. Not ready to go home just yet. Finding cabs to go to club #2 is a mission but I’m not raising any white flags. Its been a great night. Waiting in line for the cab half the group decides to call it a night, I pray silently he doesn’t leave with them. He doesn’t. Birthday wishes may come true tonight.

Finally make it to our next destination only 8 of us remain. A round of shots at the bar and DJ plays a club remix of bleeding love and us girls go a little crazy screaming the lyrics and dancing with each other, the guys including the bartender are greatly amused. I’m slightly intoxicated its dark and I really want to take my heels off but no the taller I am the more likely I am to “naturally” stare into his beautiful brown eyes. He finally comes up to me to collect on the dance I owe him. I hold him tight wishing it was just us in the room. I’m completely oblivious to my surroundings. I’m having a fight with myself – say something, confess, noo don’t say anything not like this, not in a club when you both are drunk, kiss him, just dance, shhh be still my mind, just enjoy the moment. We danced not talking inseparable for the rest of the night.

Earlier when I was getting ready in my apartment, I put a little 3ood just behind my earlobe, not much just a tiny drop, we aren’t in Arabiastan so nothing excessive. He gets a sniff of it while we are dancing and says the 3ood smells great on you. I smile and continue to dance. My bra strap drops and he picks it up brings it back to my shoulder with a mischief look on his face. I’m fighting the urge to just kiss him and shock him. A few things stopped me, mainly I didn’t want our first kiss to be in a club with the two of us under the influence of something other then our feelings and lust (yes I am capable of corny sentiments), our friends were watching our every move. I want to soo badly but I didn’t. He didn’t. We just dance.

Its almost morning. The night has ended. We share a cab back home with two other friends. I’m sitting in the back, sipping on my water dreading the hangover in a few hours. Wondering if I had missed that window of opportunity, should I have gone with the cliché invitation of “lets go out to get some air?” while we were still out and kissed him then?

Stop thinking, you are too tired and drunk.

Morning came, routine, order, traffic, coffee, good morning, news headlines, all round the world was the dull color of grey. Sara had lost her keys. She resented herself for crying, even as she cried, turning away looking upwards for a sign for some flicker of hope. Standing still, Sara decided then and there she wasn’t going to wait for life anymore.

He adored her. He just wasn’t always so good at showing it. Hussam was careless, in small ways, in ways that count; his inability to remember the title of her degree. The books she recommended and he never read. He had her in his heart but not always on his mind. She could no longer be the glue that was holding them together. She loved him- that she was certain of. But in her deepest being she knew she deserved better, ought to demand more of him. He was her weakness, her poison, her Kryptonite and superman.

It’s never wise to give someone prominence within your soul, for when they leave, they leave you only emptiness inside. He wasn’t going to leave her, not just yet. Sara felt like it was inevitable and she was going to beat Hussam to the punch line. She was going to leave him before he left her. I wouldn’t survive it if Hussam left me, so a month to the date she had set in her mind, she begin soaking up stolen moments of happiness and love, kisses and embraces to last a lifetime. A part of her was disgusted and she hated herself for it. She was deceiving him, betraying their love. But no I had to do this. I HAVE TO Sara kept convincing herself. If he truly loves me, he’ll fight for me. He must know that as much as I love him I love myself more.

I believe everyday is a good day for change.
I look for unity everyday and everyday I’m let down.
Sometimes we just want to feel secured but time and time again it only proves to be difficult to find that safety blanket. I’m ready for a little more, but I haven’t the slightest clue where to start looking.
Like the wind, opportunities pass me by but I can never grip it and hold it tight.

Change you say? I’ve changed along the course of my ‘ grow up ‘ time, and I continue to be willing to change for others.
Yet that attitude can’t be echoed amongst the many you surround yourself by. I only hope that time will change their views, and they’ll begin to think of others, rather then just the person they see in the mirror.

To change is to make a difference, & compose a new you.
Shall we sit back and pray for that change to come along? I’d rather we actually did something about it.

x

Hope is a dangerous game
A dangerous game I play
Gambling my life away
Squandering my time, living in my mind
An abstract security
Unable to satisfy me

What defines a good relationship?

Would it mean inhabiting an emotional realm in which monogamy isnt giving something up (your “freedom”). A domestic sphere in which faithfullness isnt primitively secured through routine interrogations, surveillance or impromptu search and seizure. A “happy” state of monogamy would be defined as a state you dont have to work at maintaining.  After all, doesnt the demand for fidelity beyond the duration of desire feel like work. We’ve been well lectured and tutored on the labor intensive idea that good marriages/relationships take work.

Work/home, office/bedroom. . . are we ever not on the clock?

Good relationships maybe take work, but unfortunately when it comes to love, trying is always trying too hard. Work doesnt work.  You cant arrange a dream or well something into happening. When you are working at it you know it has gone wrong and that something is already missing.

question is: would you forgive a betrayal?

qualities to help a loving relationship survive, but the essence of it all is sacrifice. How much are we willing to sacrifice for this person ? If the boundaries are unseen, then i have found love. I have found a companion to share my feelings, my dreams, and my passion for life with. When you are at a similar wave length with this person and you flow

and your energies are well mashed together, then you have found chemistry with this person resulting in probably in a relationship where the passion is strong, or the lust inevitable, and perhaps for the lucky ones a connection of all great powers in our body to stir that one feeling up. The butterflies, that radiating glow, that positive attitude and a smile so beautiful

nothing can take it away.

What is sex ?

Its soo symmetric, to the point and astonishingly rejuvenating that once the

act is almost over, your body is in a transitional state of shock and satisfaction and then its over….what a feeling!! what a feeling to feel with an utter stranger!! Its an act soo sacred that the person you want to see you like that should be the one who has you in his heart.. loving you… taking care of you… wanting nobody else but you!

And for that reason, having sex for love, should be in a path foreseen to be long, loving, beautiful and pure bliss. You want to feel that sense of explosion where love is around, and sex satisfies. And thats why i believe that the two go well together… And its not like that one without the other is lost, but when put together im sure it could probably be an out-of-this-world experience.

She: I don’t understand… what do you mean..?

He: You haven’t attached yourself. You’d move on with ease. If you leave me or go… walk away… it will be the death of me.

She: Then just de-attach yourself. Stop caring.

He: Do you want me to?

She: That’s not relevant. Its for your own good. What I want doesn’t matter. Be selfish for once. Just some advice from someone that knows.

He: Be the death of me. I’ll die a thousand times before.

She: I cant pretend to be something I’m not, or feel something I don’t.

He: I’m not asking you to.

She: but you keep taking me on this guilt trip, unintentionally I know. But I cant help but feel suffocated at times.

He: …………………..

She: I’m sorry things came to this. walk away

He: I’ll wait for you. Its too late to save me now. I’ll wait alone. Patiently.

She: I cant help but wonder. Is that a mask you are wearing?

He: why are u afraid of me?

She: why are you afraid of being alone?

He: you feel something for me. I know. Either you are in denial, or actually enjoy abusing me. I don’t know. You keep me going in circles.

She: I’m neither happy nor unhappy, and that’s why I cant go on.

My silly silly crush, it just cant be a crush. He spoke so elquently, seducing my thoughts with his vast intellect. The way he just stopped and stared at me, watching me speak  thrilled me even more. I had his undivided attention.  A determination i havent seen in a long while, where i was important and almost everything else didnt matter.

His mind, so beautiful. So well groomed to my liking…

it possesed all the qualities i loved, all the answers i seeked.

I had a crush!!

on the wrong guy…

He was taken, and she had no idea.

I crushed my thoughts and forgot all about it!